Hi Carrie! I just looked at your storybook, Yama's Hair Salon. I absolutely love the idea! Your layout is very clean, and I really like your color choice. The shade of lavender you used could totally be color theme for a spa/hair salon. I was thinking about playing with the color and design of my storybook, and now I just might since I like your so much! I really liked the way you put together the collage of women you would be discussing. The pictures all look similar in artistic style, so the collage worked really well in distinguishing the characters yet showing commonality. Your intro was excellent! I like how you made it humorous yet informative. It will be really interesting how Yama's personality continues to shine in further stories; I really like how you made him funny when he had such a serious job! I totally love how Yama had a hidden passion for styling hair and has now decided to do it-- so creative! I like how his water buffalo is just chilling on the front lawn. It was also great that you brought in elements of traditional Hindu Indian culture, such as the haircut thing. Well done! I'm really looking forward to hearing more about the hair salon.
Cover Page: I love your cover page!! The picture, or combination of pictures, is put together very well. The colors match your purple background.
Introduction: Possibly considering increasing the font size just a little bit so it is easier to read. O your opening paragraph is GREAT!!! O wow. This idea of Yama’s hair salon is creative!!!! You have blended a modern everyday thing, with the god of death which brings the story tellers to the present. I find your writing creative and witty. This introduction defiantly makes me want to read more!!! I can’t wait to hear what stories Yama’s clients tell. One thing I might suggest is introducing Draupadi a little earlier because she randomly appears at the end, and clearly he likes her a lot. A very small thing is that there is a space missing between two of the paragraphs. One of the very interesting questions your story leads me to ask was whether or not Sita (who is actually a goddess) goes to heaven as a human, if she returns to her goddess form, or possibly both. I like how you incorporated all of the people/being s associated with Yama into the salon with roles they would naturally fall into. Overall this is a great introduction!!! Great Job!!!
Hi Carrie! I really like your collage with the different types of hairstyles! I also really like your layout- it is simple but also fits the feeling of a hair salon! Sleek and clean! Great choice! Your introduction is very intriguing and makes the reader want to know where this is all going! I want to keep following your story. What a sad demotion on Yama and Chitragupta’s parts! I cannot believe you came up with this idea on your own! It is so complicated and unique! I like how you are being consistent in where you are (the underworld) when you said that your clients travel from all over to come get their hair cut by you! I was a little confused on why Kaikeyi and Sita are in the underworld. Maybe if you could help clarify that I know it would really give your readers a greater understanding of who can access your services and why! Other than that, I think it is great!! Like I said earlier, I cannot believe you came up with this idea on your own. I cannot wait to see where you go with this and how you develop these characters in the context of them explaining their own opinions so freely!
Hey Carrie! I just got done reading through your introduction page for Yama’s Hair Salon and I love the concept for your storybook. I love the personality you have given Yama. He sounds very sassy and has a dark humor, I feel like this was very well conveyed through your use of dialogue! Keep up the good work! I love how Yama has employees in his salon that you have adapted from Indian epics. The fact that you made Chitragupta an assistant manager is so creative and Yama’s few comments about him are very clever and funny. I like how you tied in the old tradition of Hindu women only cutting their hair once, into your story. At first, I was not sure what you were getting at when I read the title “Yama’s Hair Salon” but now that I’ve read through the whole thing it is pure genius. Hair salons are often stereotyped as being hubs of gossip, where women go and talk for hours about various stories. What better way to convey your favorite Indian epics than in the humorous setting a gossip-filled hair salon. The four women you have chosen to visit the hair salon and share the stories are all very good choice that I’m sure will spill some juicy stories in a gossip format. Can’t wait to read your stories! Good Luck!
Hi Carrie! I just wanted to thank you for your input on my storybook project, Sita’s Story-- in Her Own Words. Your comments were really helpful for me to be able to see what I was portraying well and what I need to work on. Because of your comment, I think I’ll discuss more of how good of a father Sita and the boys thought Rama would be and also how the boys found out that Rama was their father. I hadn’t thought to discuss that as part of the project before, but it is a really good suggestion that I’ll work on. As for the title, I had originally anticipated on only using Sita’s journal entries, but Laura gave a great suggestion that inspired me to also include the boy’s perspectives. I’ll try to emphasize that the journal portions are Sita telling her own story. Thanks so much for your comments! I really appreciate it
Hey Carrie, I just wanted to say thank you for all of your positive feedback on my various posts. I really appreciate any comments that improve my writing skills!
Hey Carrie, thank you for all the comments and feedback regarding my work for this class. I really appreciate all of the comments because it helps me improve on my writing as well as come up with better ideas for the next assignment. Thank you!
Okay, first things first there is a last line on your intro, five paragraphs from the end, where you wrote, “I accommodate both the dead and alive”. Change alive to living and I’m already a happy camper. I really loved your introduction (I’ll come back later and read your others stories) and your voice was brilliant. I could really see where Yama was in the setting and everything in the salon. I wish you had put more salon-esque pictures in your intro instead of just a boring picture of Yama on a horse. The picture you chose just didn’t fit the sassy Yama hairdresser character I had just read. This picture (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/44/Yama,_God_Of_Death.jpg) is more of what I would have liked to see. It’s simple, but the angle is interesting and it’s, overall, not super masculine nor a deterrent to your voice. A picture says a 1,000 words, they say, so yours should try and not say the wrong 1,000 words. As for the title of your storybook, I’m not sure if I like it or not. I clicked on it because I love influential women, but I don’t think that’s an adequate title for your storybook. I think something funny and catchy would be far superior to Influential Women. Something like “Yama’s Deadly Good Hair Salon,” “Yama’s Hair Salon: Go for the Hair, Stay for the Gossip (though a shortened version for the url of course)”. There are just so many more captivating titles to choose from, so I’d look into that. As for your coverpage, I thought it was great and I think your storybook design works really well with you idea.
Your introduction was very good! It was very interesting and kept me on my toes the entire time. I think you did an excellent job with using descriptive language and making it fun to read. I already commented on your introduction but I like the way you tied it into Kaikeyi’s character in your story. The dialog is excellent between Kaikeyi and Yama. It really makes the story a lot more interesting and entertaining. I like how you note that Kaikeyi was speaking in the beginning of the story. I think a lot of different quotations would have caused the story to become disorganized and scattered, so I think you did a great job on making sure that it was just Kaikeyi speaking. You cover everything in your story, from Bharata to her describing her husband Dasaratha. I like how you mention that Kaikeyi says “may he rest in peace”. It really adds emotion the the character and makes it a lot more clear. I think my favorite part of the story is how you end your story with Kaikeyi getting all excited that Sita has just walked into the salon. It really adds suspense for the next story and creates a great introduction to the next story. Good job!
Hey, Carrie! I am very impressed by the creativity of your storybook in particular. It is so unique and unlike anything I have read so far. I love how you chose a hair salon- I could totally picture the gossip that would circulate the salon when powerful women from all over both alive and dead are there, relaxing and getting their hair done. Organizationally, the introduction was very well written. In the end, you also provided very good follow up for the next stories when you gave a short description of each woman that I imagine would have a story about them. I like how you didn’t just put in information about the women but also added in personal takes on each woman and helped give that much more personality to Yama. As for the stories, I like how you showed such a contrast between Kaikeyi and Sita- that was a very good idea and putting the two stories in a row was an especially good way to show the contrast. The formatting of the storybook itself is very nice- the light purple helps add a feminine feel with all the ladies coming to the hair salon to chat and the pictures for each story definitely complemented the story book. Keep up the great job!
I think you have a great layout for the style of your storybook. It really fits well with the hair salon concept that you are working with. I also really like the idea of a hair salon due to the amount of gossip and storytelling you can create there. Even as a guy when I go to the barbershop there is quite the amount of information to be learned from the other customers and the barbers alike. You have a strong introduction that just needs a little bit of cleaning up. I caught a few grammatical mistakes but other than that I really enjoyed reading it. For your first story I may suggest adding a bit more dialogue between Kaikeyi and Yama, this section was a little hard to read because it was so one sided. However, I thought the second story was great because of the interactions between Kaikeyi and Sita. This was a great idea to have those two as the main focus and discuss their troubles with one another. I also think you chose a very powerful main character by using Yama as the salon owner. This was a very interesting choice and I like the concept of having the salon open to both the living and those in the afterlife. I am very interested to see where you with continue to go with this storybook and what other women will attend the hair salon. Keep up the great work and I hope to read more of this soon.
I hated your storybook. I hated it because it was so funny that I actually laughed out loud and now I have to make serious comments on it and I rather just enjoy that you have found a way to create one of the funniest storybooks I have seen so far. Ok so it is time to get serious. Your layout is great. The front page of your story book did a good job of combining the background color with the picture you chose. The only critique I have is that your home button doesn't work. I loved your introduction. You found a way of taking a bunch of characters that were extremely serious and making them funny. I found the way you chose to characterize Yama extremely creative. You did a good job of creating a setting in which the I as the reader was able to picture these characters that are god’s dressed up as old hair salon ladies gossiping about the clientele. I even pictured Yama as wearing one of those 1950’s eye glasses. I am interested to read the remainder of your storybook and commenting on it further. Great Job!
Hey Carrie, what a great job on your storybook so far! This was my first time visiting your storybook and I must say you have picked a great concept to work on. I originally chose it based of the title because I thought the stories were going to be about the women from the epics, which is great! I was a little thrown off from the title because I was lost about the concept of Hair Salon but then it all made sense! You are a great writer and I could see that as I was reading your stories and you are a funny one too! The layout looks great but I would maybe choose some brighter colors because the cover page looked a bit boring. I loved the introduction it was simple yet straight. I liked the way you chose to portray each character and how you characterized each one of them was unique and very creative. I enjoyed reading the stories and especially the various gossips you included within the dialogues! You have the right concept and idea for you book and you is doing a great job so far! I am excited to see what all you include next time. Good job!
I like the layout of your site - good background, theme, font. I like the pictures on the coverpage too. I read another storybook that starts out with ladies in a hair salon, so I'm interested to see how yours goes! Also, I wouldn't expect Yama to be in a hair salon... hmm.
Okay, so I guess Yama just has a hidden passion for hair. Ha ha. Your intro starts right off the bat with great energy and voice. This isn't just an info dump, but a unique storytelling. Throughout, you do a great job mixing in enough information while keeping a conversational and light tone. Very good! I like the picture here too.
I've written about Kaikeyi too, so I was excited to see how you portrayed her. I love how she waltzes into the salon and acts like such a diva - that very much fits with how I characterized her in my Real Housewives story. I like how you add stories from her past that weren't in Narayan's Ramayana. I know what you're talking about, since I researched Kaikeyi, but I think you could stand to add a little more detail here. A reader with no background knowledge would probably be confused.
I like how you show her regret now that she's looking back on her decisions. I think Kaikeyi is a very conflicted character, and I'm glad that you showed the complexities in her story.
Carrie, I got a great first impression of your story book! The layout with the purple and the four pictures a really good, classy and beautiful look and definitely caught my attention. I love the creativity in your storybook, I never would have thought of doing a hair salon! Your introduction does a great job of telling us what is going to be talked about later in your storybook, but doesn't give away too much information so there is still the element of surprise. I really like the characters that you chose to do each story about. Your stories have great dialogue in them and I really enjoy reading what they are saying. I love seeing another perspective on characters. One of my favorite things about your stories is that you really got into the character development. I love that you portrayed each character in a different way from what you imagine them being like. I think making Kaikeyi be a naive, talkative, and high maintenance girl and having Sita be more on the shy side but so kind-hearted was spot on. The opposition between the two characters made it really interesting! Overall your storybook is really great and I look forward to seeing where else you go with it! Great job!
Hello, this week I read your Sita story. I like the simple, conversational tone you have and how you start the story off on a light note, talking about the hair salon. I also like the script-like format, with nothing but dialogue and headings to tell you who is speaking. It's very simple to read through and works well with your stories.
I like that you chose to basically summarize all of Sita's story with Rama. It doesn't go into much detail, but it's also good just to hear all the highlights so you get her whole story in a short, simple way. You do a good job showing Sita's point of view. We get her opinion on how unfair her banishment was. But, we are left with a sort of happy ending, for you mention her sons and how great they are. This is a much lighter and happier Sita story than many of the others I've seen. Good work.
Hey, Carrie! Last time I read your storybook, there was only one story so I was so excited to see that you had added a second. I think I mentioned this last time, but I love the cover page – light purple with the black/white pictures going across the front – it looks really pretty and quaint. Anyways, your last story was great and definitely did not disappoint. You had mentioned in your author’s note that you added some dialogue in between characters because you thought that Sita would need a slight push in order to talk and I certainly agree – she seems like such a soft-spoken and sweet girl to me. Anyways, the story is great, but if anything, I would suggest adding a little bit more detail to help show some more emotion from Sita because I would image being exiled from your husband would be incredibly heartbreaking and extremely hurtful and I couldn’t quite sense that hurt from the dialogue although it’s very possible that she is over that by now and is just telling her story. On another note, you set up your transition for the next story quite well and I love the detail you included about her hair looking perfect which helps remind me, as a reader that we’re in a salon with lots of women catching up. Keep up the great work!
Hi Carrie! This is my first time reading your storybook since you were in my group this week. As a woman, your title definitely appealed to me because it sounds like you are going to be talking about some strong women! I am curious to see which women you include in your storybook.
Coverpage: I loved the pictures you included on this page and how you displayed them! I thought it was really cool that you had a picture for each of the women of your story: Kaikeyi, Draupadi, Kunti, and Sita! I also like the purple background. It fits well with the feminine theme.
Introduction: I really enjoyed learning more about Yama he is your narrator. The voice you used for his character was very entertaining. I found it funny that his secret passion was hair. It's humorous to imagine this "God of Death" fixing hair and chatting with people in his hair salon. I also liked that you added new characters that we haven't met, like Chitragupta. You can tell that you did your research about your characters and their history. You also did a good job introducing each of your characters and giving just enough background to get us interested! You did a great job writing your introduction! A hair salon is a great place for the women to come tell their stories.
Kaikeyi's Story: I thought you did a great job capturing the qualities of the character, Kaikeyi! She definitely seemed high maintenance and naive to me. I thought it was interesting to hear her perspective! Overall, I enjoyed the story! Good job!
Hey Carrie! I just got done reading through the latest additions to your storybook: Yama's Hair salon and I love many of the new things you have added since I last visited your page! First of all, you picked three great women to write about. I feel as if all three of these women played huge parts in the epics we read and it made it very easy for you get creative with all three of their stories. I really like the way you set up each person's stories. You did a great job of conveying the personalities of each of the three characters through their dialogues. Also contrasting their personalities added another level of depth to your storybook. The personality you created for Yama also meshes and flows well with the three strong personalities of the women. Your dialogues and the diction you used was very well written as well. It really helped my imagery overall of what was going on in the hair salon. All three images you used for each of the three stories was nice as well. Although I wish you had made them just slightly larger. Overall, great work on your storybook! I enjoyed reading it!
Hi Carrie, as we had free choices on who to comment on this week for our story book choices, I decided to comment on yours because I had never been put in the same group as you so I never got a chance to read your stories. I would like to start off by saying that I really liked your idea. I found it interesting that the god of death runs a hair salon in the after world. But that is the perfect place as most hair cutting places are the place to go for a good conversation and to tell stories of the town. That is how the hair cutting place I got to is like too. It was a very good introduction and it was a very smooth read. After reading your first and second story posts I could not really find anything I am assuming that is because you have already spell checked and grammar checked it after Dr. Gibbs’s email. Overall I really enjoyed reading your story and how they made a difference, I thought your storybook and your idea for it was perfect. I hope to be coming and reading more of your work in the future!
Hi Carrie. I think that this is the first time I have actually had a chance to look at your storybook. From the beginning, it looks well put together and organized. I love the way that your cover page has multiple pictures on it. The color scheme is well chosen as well, working smoothly with the images you chose. I think that your choice of narrator is wonderful! It certainly makes things appear to be interesting! Hair salons are some of the best places to go to catch up on gossip or just to relax and listen to the people around you talk, so I bet that Yama would hear some very interesting stories just by walking around. I never would have thought about making the god of death open a salon, but it turned out to be really well done. He comes off as pretty knowledgeable, as well as being very willing to pass the stories along. The women that you chose to write about are all wonderful. They all have their own stories to tell and those stories are definitely worth the gossip! I had not known that women were expected to only have their hair cut once in their life. Imagine the split ends. Great work so far on the story book! It looks wonderful and the writing is entertaining and well done. Keep up the good work!
I am from the Mythology class so I decided to pick your story for a free choice this week! I absolutely love your cover page! I think it is so great that you were able to make all the elements flow really nicely! I feel that the color of the background and the fonts work really well together and compliment each other. I also think that it is a really cool idea that you decided to include four separate pictures. I feel that this decision really strengthens your cover page. I think your cover page is simple and looks really good, sometimes I see people add too much and it just looks cluttered. Overall great job! I really liked your introduction page! I think it is a really creative idea to have it based in a hair salon. I also really like that you were able to introduce all three of the characters that it looks like the preceding stories are about. Great job! In your story ‘Kaikeyi’ I think you did a really good job of maintaining the characters. I also feel that I knew exactly who was talking the whole time so great job! I think that you did a good job of introducing a lot of detail. Great job!
Hi Carrie! I think this is my second trip to your blog, but nonetheless, your storybook is really amazing! It is cool to see how complete your storybook is now and it is easy to see how much hard work and effort you put into making your storybook shine. I think you have done an amazing job with your storybook topic. From the very beginning, it was easy to read and follow. I especially like your language throughout the stories. I like reading things with a lot of descriptive adjectives because it paints a clearer picture in my mind, so naturally I enjoyed your stories. I really felt like I was there watching these women in the salon. Like I said before, your layout is simple. Sometimes simple can be boring, but your storybook took simple to a whole new level and made it easy to read and awesome. Everything in your storybook shows your passion for writing and creating new and interesting things. I especially like the gossip that occurs in the shop. That even occurs in the barber shop that I go to in real life, so it is pretty funny how similar a barber shop and salon are. Keep up the good work!
Hi Carrie! I just looked at your storybook, Yama's Hair Salon. I absolutely love the idea! Your layout is very clean, and I really like your color choice. The shade of lavender you used could totally be color theme for a spa/hair salon. I was thinking about playing with the color and design of my storybook, and now I just might since I like your so much! I really liked the way you put together the collage of women you would be discussing. The pictures all look similar in artistic style, so the collage worked really well in distinguishing the characters yet showing commonality. Your intro was excellent! I like how you made it humorous yet informative. It will be really interesting how Yama's personality continues to shine in further stories; I really like how you made him funny when he had such a serious job! I totally love how Yama had a hidden passion for styling hair and has now decided to do it-- so creative! I like how his water buffalo is just chilling on the front lawn. It was also great that you brought in elements of traditional Hindu Indian culture, such as the haircut thing. Well done! I'm really looking forward to hearing more about the hair salon.
ReplyDeleteCarrie,
ReplyDeleteCover Page: I love your cover page!! The picture, or combination of pictures, is put together very well. The colors match your purple background.
Introduction: Possibly considering increasing the font size just a little bit so it is easier to read. O your opening paragraph is GREAT!!! O wow. This idea of Yama’s hair salon is creative!!!! You have blended a modern everyday thing, with the god of death which brings the story tellers to the present. I find your writing creative and witty. This introduction defiantly makes me want to read more!!! I can’t wait to hear what stories Yama’s clients tell. One thing I might suggest is introducing Draupadi a little earlier because she randomly appears at the end, and clearly he likes her a lot. A very small thing is that there is a space missing between two of the paragraphs. One of the very interesting questions your story leads me to ask was whether or not Sita (who is actually a goddess) goes to heaven as a human, if she returns to her goddess form, or possibly both. I like how you incorporated all of the people/being s associated with Yama into the salon with roles they would naturally fall into. Overall this is a great introduction!!! Great Job!!!
Hi Carrie!
ReplyDeleteI really like your collage with the different types of hairstyles! I also really like your layout- it is simple but also fits the feeling of a hair salon! Sleek and clean! Great choice!
Your introduction is very intriguing and makes the reader want to know where this is all going! I want to keep following your story.
What a sad demotion on Yama and Chitragupta’s parts! I cannot believe you came up with this idea on your own! It is so complicated and unique!
I like how you are being consistent in where you are (the underworld) when you said that your clients travel from all over to come get their hair cut by you!
I was a little confused on why Kaikeyi and Sita are in the underworld. Maybe if you could help clarify that I know it would really give your readers a greater understanding of who can access your services and why!
Other than that, I think it is great!! Like I said earlier, I cannot believe you came up with this idea on your own. I cannot wait to see where you go with this and how you develop these characters in the context of them explaining their own opinions so freely!
Hey Carrie! I just got done reading through your introduction page for Yama’s Hair Salon and I love the concept for your storybook. I love the personality you have given Yama. He sounds very sassy and has a dark humor, I feel like this was very well conveyed through your use of dialogue! Keep up the good work! I love how Yama has employees in his salon that you have adapted from Indian epics. The fact that you made Chitragupta an assistant manager is so creative and Yama’s few comments about him are very clever and funny. I like how you tied in the old tradition of Hindu women only cutting their hair once, into your story. At first, I was not sure what you were getting at when I read the title “Yama’s Hair Salon” but now that I’ve read through the whole thing it is pure genius. Hair salons are often stereotyped as being hubs of gossip, where women go and talk for hours about various stories. What better way to convey your favorite Indian epics than in the humorous setting a gossip-filled hair salon. The four women you have chosen to visit the hair salon and share the stories are all very good choice that I’m sure will spill some juicy stories in a gossip format. Can’t wait to read your stories! Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteHi Carrie! I just wanted to thank you for your input on my storybook project, Sita’s Story-- in Her Own Words. Your comments were really helpful for me to be able to see what I was portraying well and what I need to work on. Because of your comment, I think I’ll discuss more of how good of a father Sita and the boys thought Rama would be and also how the boys found out that Rama was their father. I hadn’t thought to discuss that as part of the project before, but it is a really good suggestion that I’ll work on. As for the title, I had originally anticipated on only using Sita’s journal entries, but Laura gave a great suggestion that inspired me to also include the boy’s perspectives. I’ll try to emphasize that the journal portions are Sita telling her own story. Thanks so much for your comments! I really appreciate it
ReplyDeleteThank you for the thought and time you put into comments on my blog- I really appreciate it!
ReplyDeleteHey Carrie, I just wanted to say thank you for all of your positive feedback on my various posts. I really appreciate any comments that improve my writing skills!
ReplyDeleteHey Carrie, thank you for all the comments and feedback regarding my work for this class. I really appreciate all of the comments because it helps me improve on my writing as well as come up with better ideas for the next assignment. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteOkay, first things first there is a last line on your intro, five paragraphs from the end, where you wrote, “I accommodate both the dead and alive”. Change alive to living and I’m already a happy camper. I really loved your introduction (I’ll come back later and read your others stories) and your voice was brilliant. I could really see where Yama was in the setting and everything in the salon. I wish you had put more salon-esque pictures in your intro instead of just a boring picture of Yama on a horse. The picture you chose just didn’t fit the sassy Yama hairdresser character I had just read. This picture (http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/44/Yama,_God_Of_Death.jpg) is more of what I would have liked to see. It’s simple, but the angle is interesting and it’s, overall, not super masculine nor a deterrent to your voice. A picture says a 1,000 words, they say, so yours should try and not say the wrong 1,000 words. As for the title of your storybook, I’m not sure if I like it or not. I clicked on it because I love influential women, but I don’t think that’s an adequate title for your storybook. I think something funny and catchy would be far superior to Influential Women. Something like “Yama’s Deadly Good Hair Salon,” “Yama’s Hair Salon: Go for the Hair, Stay for the Gossip (though a shortened version for the url of course)”. There are just so many more captivating titles to choose from, so I’d look into that. As for your coverpage, I thought it was great and I think your storybook design works really well with you idea.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction was very good! It was very interesting and kept me on my toes the entire time. I think you did an excellent job with using descriptive language and making it fun to read. I already commented on your introduction but I like the way you tied it into Kaikeyi’s character in your story. The dialog is excellent between Kaikeyi and Yama. It really makes the story a lot more interesting and entertaining. I like how you note that Kaikeyi was speaking in the beginning of the story. I think a lot of different quotations would have caused the story to become disorganized and scattered, so I think you did a great job on making sure that it was just Kaikeyi speaking. You cover everything in your story, from Bharata to her describing her husband Dasaratha. I like how you mention that Kaikeyi says “may he rest in peace”. It really adds emotion the the character and makes it a lot more clear. I think my favorite part of the story is how you end your story with Kaikeyi getting all excited that Sita has just walked into the salon. It really adds suspense for the next story and creates a great introduction to the next story. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHey, Carrie! I am very impressed by the creativity of your storybook in particular. It is so unique and unlike anything I have read so far. I love how you chose a hair salon- I could totally picture the gossip that would circulate the salon when powerful women from all over both alive and dead are there, relaxing and getting their hair done. Organizationally, the introduction was very well written. In the end, you also provided very good follow up for the next stories when you gave a short description of each woman that I imagine would have a story about them. I like how you didn’t just put in information about the women but also added in personal takes on each woman and helped give that much more personality to Yama. As for the stories, I like how you showed such a contrast between Kaikeyi and Sita- that was a very good idea and putting the two stories in a row was an especially good way to show the contrast. The formatting of the storybook itself is very nice- the light purple helps add a feminine feel with all the ladies coming to the hair salon to chat and the pictures for each story definitely complemented the story book. Keep up the great job!
ReplyDeleteI think you have a great layout for the style of your storybook. It really fits well with the hair salon concept that you are working with. I also really like the idea of a hair salon due to the amount of gossip and storytelling you can create there. Even as a guy when I go to the barbershop there is quite the amount of information to be learned from the other customers and the barbers alike. You have a strong introduction that just needs a little bit of cleaning up. I caught a few grammatical mistakes but other than that I really enjoyed reading it. For your first story I may suggest adding a bit more dialogue between Kaikeyi and Yama, this section was a little hard to read because it was so one sided. However, I thought the second story was great because of the interactions between Kaikeyi and Sita. This was a great idea to have those two as the main focus and discuss their troubles with one another. I also think you chose a very powerful main character by using Yama as the salon owner. This was a very interesting choice and I like the concept of having the salon open to both the living and those in the afterlife. I am very interested to see where you with continue to go with this storybook and what other women will attend the hair salon. Keep up the great work and I hope to read more of this soon.
ReplyDeleteI hated your storybook. I hated it because it was so funny that I actually laughed out loud and now I have to make serious comments on it and I rather just enjoy that you have found a way to create one of the funniest storybooks I have seen so far. Ok so it is time to get serious. Your layout is great. The front page of your story book did a good job of combining the background color with the picture you chose. The only critique I have is that your home button doesn't work. I loved your introduction. You found a way of taking a bunch of characters that were extremely serious and making them funny. I found the way you chose to characterize Yama extremely creative. You did a good job of creating a setting in which the I as the reader was able to picture these characters that are god’s dressed up as old hair salon ladies gossiping about the clientele. I even pictured Yama as wearing one of those 1950’s eye glasses. I am interested to read the remainder of your storybook and commenting on it further. Great Job!
ReplyDeleteHey Carrie, what a great job on your storybook so far! This was my first time visiting your storybook and I must say you have picked a great concept to work on. I originally chose it based of the title because I thought the stories were going to be about the women from the epics, which is great! I was a little thrown off from the title because I was lost about the concept of Hair Salon but then it all made sense! You are a great writer and I could see that as I was reading your stories and you are a funny one too! The layout looks great but I would maybe choose some brighter colors because the cover page looked a bit boring. I loved the introduction it was simple yet straight. I liked the way you chose to portray each character and how you characterized each one of them was unique and very creative. I enjoyed reading the stories and especially the various gossips you included within the dialogues! You have the right concept and idea for you book and you is doing a great job so far! I am excited to see what all you include next time. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI like the layout of your site - good background, theme, font. I like the pictures on the coverpage too. I read another storybook that starts out with ladies in a hair salon, so I'm interested to see how yours goes! Also, I wouldn't expect Yama to be in a hair salon... hmm.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I guess Yama just has a hidden passion for hair. Ha ha. Your intro starts right off the bat with great energy and voice. This isn't just an info dump, but a unique storytelling. Throughout, you do a great job mixing in enough information while keeping a conversational and light tone. Very good! I like the picture here too.
I've written about Kaikeyi too, so I was excited to see how you portrayed her. I love how she waltzes into the salon and acts like such a diva - that very much fits with how I characterized her in my Real Housewives story. I like how you add stories from her past that weren't in Narayan's Ramayana. I know what you're talking about, since I researched Kaikeyi, but I think you could stand to add a little more detail here. A reader with no background knowledge would probably be confused.
I like how you show her regret now that she's looking back on her decisions. I think Kaikeyi is a very conflicted character, and I'm glad that you showed the complexities in her story.
Very good job, keep it up :)
Carrie, I got a great first impression of your story book! The layout with the purple and the four pictures a really good, classy and beautiful look and definitely caught my attention. I love the creativity in your storybook, I never would have thought of doing a hair salon! Your introduction does a great job of telling us what is going to be talked about later in your storybook, but doesn't give away too much information so there is still the element of surprise. I really like the characters that you chose to do each story about. Your stories have great dialogue in them and I really enjoy reading what they are saying. I love seeing another perspective on characters. One of my favorite things about your stories is that you really got into the character development. I love that you portrayed each character in a different way from what you imagine them being like. I think making Kaikeyi be a naive, talkative, and high maintenance girl and having Sita be more on the shy side but so kind-hearted was spot on. The opposition between the two characters made it really interesting! Overall your storybook is really great and I look forward to seeing where else you go with it! Great job!
ReplyDeleteHello, this week I read your Sita story. I like the simple, conversational tone you have and how you start the story off on a light note, talking about the hair salon. I also like the script-like format, with nothing but dialogue and headings to tell you who is speaking. It's very simple to read through and works well with your stories.
ReplyDeleteI like that you chose to basically summarize all of Sita's story with Rama. It doesn't go into much detail, but it's also good just to hear all the highlights so you get her whole story in a short, simple way. You do a good job showing Sita's point of view. We get her opinion on how unfair her banishment was. But, we are left with a sort of happy ending, for you mention her sons and how great they are. This is a much lighter and happier Sita story than many of the others I've seen. Good work.
Hey, Carrie! Last time I read your storybook, there was only one story so I was so excited to see that you had added a second. I think I mentioned this last time, but I love the cover page – light purple with the black/white pictures going across the front – it looks really pretty and quaint. Anyways, your last story was great and definitely did not disappoint. You had mentioned in your author’s note that you added some dialogue in between characters because you thought that Sita would need a slight push in order to talk and I certainly agree – she seems like such a soft-spoken and sweet girl to me. Anyways, the story is great, but if anything, I would suggest adding a little bit more detail to help show some more emotion from Sita because I would image being exiled from your husband would be incredibly heartbreaking and extremely hurtful and I couldn’t quite sense that hurt from the dialogue although it’s very possible that she is over that by now and is just telling her story. On another note, you set up your transition for the next story quite well and I love the detail you included about her hair looking perfect which helps remind me, as a reader that we’re in a salon with lots of women catching up. Keep up the great work!
ReplyDeleteHi Carrie! This is my first time reading your storybook since you were in my group this week. As a woman, your title definitely appealed to me because it sounds like you are going to be talking about some strong women! I am curious to see which women you include in your storybook.
ReplyDeleteCoverpage: I loved the pictures you included on this page and how you displayed them! I thought it was really cool that you had a picture for each of the women of your story: Kaikeyi, Draupadi, Kunti, and Sita! I also like the purple background. It fits well with the feminine theme.
Introduction: I really enjoyed learning more about Yama he is your narrator. The voice you used for his character was very entertaining. I found it funny that his secret passion was hair. It's humorous to imagine this "God of Death" fixing hair and chatting with people in his hair salon. I also liked that you added new characters that we haven't met, like Chitragupta. You can tell that you did your research about your characters and their history. You also did a good job introducing each of your characters and giving just enough background to get us interested! You did a great job writing your introduction! A hair salon is a great place for the women to come tell their stories.
Kaikeyi's Story: I thought you did a great job capturing the qualities of the character, Kaikeyi! She definitely seemed high maintenance and naive to me. I thought it was interesting to hear her perspective! Overall, I enjoyed the story! Good job!
Hey Carrie! I just got done reading through the latest additions to your storybook: Yama's Hair salon and I love many of the new things you have added since I last visited your page! First of all, you picked three great women to write about. I feel as if all three of these women played huge parts in the epics we read and it made it very easy for you get creative with all three of their stories. I really like the way you set up each person's stories. You did a great job of conveying the personalities of each of the three characters through their dialogues. Also contrasting their personalities added another level of depth to your storybook. The personality you created for Yama also meshes and flows well with the three strong personalities of the women. Your dialogues and the diction you used was very well written as well. It really helped my imagery overall of what was going on in the hair salon. All three images you used for each of the three stories was nice as well. Although I wish you had made them just slightly larger. Overall, great work on your storybook! I enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteHi Carrie, as we had free choices on who to comment on this week for our story book choices, I decided to comment on yours because I had never been put in the same group as you so I never got a chance to read your stories. I would like to start off by saying that I really liked your idea. I found it interesting that the god of death runs a hair salon in the after world. But that is the perfect place as most hair cutting places are the place to go for a good conversation and to tell stories of the town. That is how the hair cutting place I got to is like too. It was a very good introduction and it was a very smooth read. After reading your first and second story posts I could not really find anything I am assuming that is because you have already spell checked and grammar checked it after Dr. Gibbs’s email. Overall I really enjoyed reading your story and how they made a difference, I thought your storybook and your idea for it was perfect. I hope to be coming and reading more of your work in the future!
ReplyDeleteHi Carrie. I think that this is the first time I have actually had a chance to look at your storybook. From the beginning, it looks well put together and organized. I love the way that your cover page has multiple pictures on it. The color scheme is well chosen as well, working smoothly with the images you chose. I think that your choice of narrator is wonderful! It certainly makes things appear to be interesting! Hair salons are some of the best places to go to catch up on gossip or just to relax and listen to the people around you talk, so I bet that Yama would hear some very interesting stories just by walking around. I never would have thought about making the god of death open a salon, but it turned out to be really well done. He comes off as pretty knowledgeable, as well as being very willing to pass the stories along. The women that you chose to write about are all wonderful. They all have their own stories to tell and those stories are definitely worth the gossip! I had not known that women were expected to only have their hair cut once in their life. Imagine the split ends. Great work so far on the story book! It looks wonderful and the writing is entertaining and well done. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI am from the Mythology class so I decided to pick your story for a free choice this week! I absolutely love your cover page! I think it is so great that you were able to make all the elements flow really nicely! I feel that the color of the background and the fonts work really well together and compliment each other. I also think that it is a really cool idea that you decided to include four separate pictures. I feel that this decision really strengthens your cover page. I think your cover page is simple and looks really good, sometimes I see people add too much and it just looks cluttered. Overall great job!
ReplyDeleteI really liked your introduction page! I think it is a really creative idea to have it based in a hair salon. I also really like that you were able to introduce all three of the characters that it looks like the preceding stories are about. Great job! In your story ‘Kaikeyi’ I think you did a really good job of maintaining the characters. I also feel that I knew exactly who was talking the whole time so great job! I think that you did a good job of introducing a lot of detail. Great job!
Hi Carrie! I think this is my second trip to your blog, but nonetheless, your storybook is really amazing! It is cool to see how complete your storybook is now and it is easy to see how much hard work and effort you put into making your storybook shine. I think you have done an amazing job with your storybook topic. From the very beginning, it was easy to read and follow. I especially like your language throughout the stories. I like reading things with a lot of descriptive adjectives because it paints a clearer picture in my mind, so naturally I enjoyed your stories. I really felt like I was there watching these women in the salon. Like I said before, your layout is simple. Sometimes simple can be boring, but your storybook took simple to a whole new level and made it easy to read and awesome. Everything in your storybook shows your passion for writing and creating new and interesting things. I especially like the gossip that occurs in the shop. That even occurs in the barber shop that I go to in real life, so it is pretty funny how similar a barber shop and salon are. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete